Why? Because I want their money, that’s why. I have a great idea and I’m too lazy to try crowd-sourcing or whatever that new-fangled thing is where people go online, read your impassioned (or pathetic) pleas and send you whatever money they’ve got left over after paying their taxes…and their psychiatrist.
I want a big pile of money so I can create my own 24-hour all-news radio station, WWTF. Or, in Canada, CWTF.
My radio station will have announcers who, like me, are shocked by what’s going on in the world today. And people like you can listen to them and say, “WTF?!” Or, in Canada, “WTF?! No effin’ way!”
WWTF and CWTF will start off with the domestic news…something like, “Last night, while you were sleeping, the leader of our country did another stupid thing that has made us the laughingstock of planet Earth!” and my listeners will say, “WTF…that idiot!” Or, in Canada, “WTF…that effin’ idiot! Let’s go to Tim Horton’s!”
Then we’ll give the sports news, “A gazillionaire sports hero got drunk at a bar last night, got into his Lotus and slammed it into a church, killing three nuns and seven protesting atheists. He may be charged with DUI.” Listeners to WWTF will say, “WTF?!” while Canadians will say, “WTF? Let’s go to the Beer Store! And can we stop off at Tim Horton’s on the way?”
For the People Magazine crowd, I’ll be sure to offer entertainment news. “While on tour today, Miley Cyrus proudly displayed her beaver to a passing bus of Grade 1 school children. The beaver did not have a pelt.” My U.S. audience will gasp, “WTF?!” while Canadians will exclaim, “WTF?! Hey, remember when Maggie Trudeau showed her beaver to everyone at Studio 54? Beauty, eh? Can we go to Tim Horton’s now?”
The regular news cycle will also include the weather. In the US it will be, “Today is sunny and cloudy with scattered hot and cold followed by dark.” My listeners in the US will say, “WTF! Let’s take the day off!”
Canadians will be told, “Cold, very cold, and effin’ cold. Followed by dark and more effin’ cold.” They’ll respond with, “WTF?! Let’s go to Tim Horton’s for a hot cup of coffee.”
On the weekends I might have some special programming. Maybe stories about pop stars, music idols and freaks. And sometimes about all three.
“Today in fashion news, Lady Gaga set an exciting new trend in her dress made entirely of bees. Her stylist claims she coated her naked body in honey, took the queen from a hive and then paraded through the streets of New York city with a swarm of 10,000 bees creating a “bio shroud” as she called it. In related news, Lady Gaga is in Bellevue Hospital being treated for 783 bee stings.”
American Gaga fans will be impressed. “WTF?! She’s so cool!” Canadians will say, “WTF?! She’s effin’ nuts. I feel like a Honey Dipped Donut. Please can we go to Tim Horton’s?”
I think I could safely fill a 24-hour news cycle, 7 days a week with stories that make listeners pause and exclaim, “WTF?!” without ever tiring of the broadcasts. And if I ever run out of things to report, I could open up the phone lines and let my audience speak.
“Hello…WWTF? I’m calling from New York state. I just got my gas bill and it cost me $600 to heat my house last month. WTF?! What kind of crap is this?!”
Or…just a few degrees north…
“Hello…CWTF? I’m calling from Ontario. I just got my gas bill and it cost me $1600 for gas to heat my house last month…plus a $292 fee for delivery of my gas, and $137 in taxes. And it says here that I now have to pay 40% more next month. WTF?!”
To which the announcer will respond, “This show is brought to you by Tim Horton’s.”